April 14, 1981
It was a blessed weekend for me, the Guru gifting me with the living vision of the bloom of my potential.
Tantric was unspeakably incredible. Adam and I were together for it each day. It was like a fresh breeze for us, with a huge sangat participating. Just seeing and reflecting off all those faces and the group energy was experience enough. Out of my onlyness into a oneness with friends, with whom distance and time have no separation—Sardarni Karta Purakh Kaur, Babaji, Sat Shakati Singh, the children, Shakti Singh, Holy Kaur (really?!), Gur Ravi Kaur, Siri Pritam Kaur…people whose hearts are open to acknowledge the precious bond of Khalsa.
Adi Shakti Kaur arrived Saturday evening after Tantric. I had time to visit with her for about twenty minutes at Puran Kahani Kaur’s, where we ended up spending all our time so she could play with her cousins. A babysitter put her down for me while I attended a meeting of the Panj Piaray for the Amrit Ceremony.
The request that I be a member of the Panj and the transcendent experience and union with my Guru that it provided was the greatest blessing bestowed on me this Baisakhi. It was the Guru's way of speaking deeply and clearly that my soul cannot be sunk with sorrow--exalting me into the ecstasy of my prayers and dreams and sadhana. "Ardas Bhayee, Amar Das Guru, Amar Das Guru Ardas Bhayee, Ram Das Guru, Ram Das Guru, Ram Das Guru, Sahee Sahee!” Lifting me out of my past, confirming me on the Path. I prayed that it was not all hypocrisy, a mistake, and that if I was not relating to it as real and my reality, then give me that power and grace or please allow me to die rather than live in such huge duality.
The first meeting of the Panj Piaray was to sort out duties, go over the program and to divulge anything unsettling for us in our commitment. I mentioned how I had pulled out a chin hair. It was dismissed as okay because I am a woman and it did not belong there. Too easily dismissed but, by the Panj, it was valid, I suppose. And I told them I have not been wearing a kirpan because of where I live. The suggestion was to tie a three-inch kirpan into the crown of my turban. This idea originally came from the Siri Singh Sahib.
The meeting was inspiring on the level of radiance of everyone there. Only I noted that about half of the six present, including the Granthi, did not really say much in general about how they have been keeping up, not their failures. Failure was generalized as human, emotional. That is the note that Ram Das Kaur started the meeting out on—that we are all human, not perfect, each with our own history of emotional problems, but that it did not matter. For when the Ardas is made and we actually become the Panj Piare, the Five Beloved Ones of Guru Gobind Singh, human weaknesses are inconsequential.
I think that most of the others there had little to admit because they have done this several times before. Ram Das Kaur, Kirn Kaur, Shakti Singh, Ram Das Singh and myself formed the Panj. Of the five Banis, or prayers, I recited Benti Chaupai of Guru Gobind Singh.
The Amrit Ceremony took place Sunday morning, April 12th, beyond time and space. Looking back, it is like a dream. Only it is the opposite of that. In relation to it, much of my life is a dream. Stirring the Amrit with the Guru’s Bani, channeled through the iron double-edged sword, cutting the mutable water, the air, our auras with Truth. Cutting away the falsehood and the mystery, stirring in the sweetness and fearlessness of our Guru. Seeing Wahe Guru in the eyes of those giving their heads to the Guru, their purity and ecstasy of commitment. Wahe Guru!
Adi Shakti Kaur was present for most of the ceremony and was given Amrit to drink along with some other children and Amritdhari Sikhs who came. Guru Guru Wahe Guru Guru Ram Das Guru. She is so blessed and protected. God’s love for her is immeasurably great, His Mercy Infinite.
The Siri Singh Sahib gave a talk at the Gurdwara
Sunday. Adi Shakti Kaur was in my lap and, as he spoke, I felt a sacred
darshan imbuing us both with grace and love. I knew at that moment that
Adi Shakti Kaur had never left the Dharma, that her life is encompassed
in prayer, deep and sure and loving. Distance is a test of faith, but separation works to enhance the reality vision of union. I myself am
in awe of the radiant lap that holds us, of the Gurus protecting arms
and infinite support. When I walk in that light I feel the awe of
others that it is possible to live normally in the face of seeming
devastation and pain. Once in a while this weekend I slipped in and out
of it, purposefully, to tell the pain it was not real—“Look where I
truly belong!” Hoping, praying to remove the sting and heal the pain so
that I may not fall unaware into that pit again.
On Baisakhi Day, Monday, we stayed in town to celebrate. In the morning there were weddings. It was the day of a huge picnic with music, Langar, races and palm reading—Anita Sands did that. She read Siri Singh Sahib’s hand saying, “A simple man, here only to serve the Guru.” We also had a magic show, drill team competition and a fund raiser drawing for the children—initially won by the mother-in-law of the person conducting the drawing! It was a fabulous, fun day. The Siri Singh Sahib came towards the end and meandered through the waiting crowd. The essence of his message—give your head to live through your heart. Do not sacrifice your heart for your head.
Monday evening we attended the Siri Singh Sahib’s class. He clarified some things I needed to have clarified, kindness not being what we think. He said it is kind to shake some one up so they may face the reality. Kindness is directness, clarity. The highest meditation is direct, clear speech.
We chanted the Ardas Bhayee mantra. As we did so Siri Singh Sahib explained its power…to bring God before you in any way or form you would prefer most and to completely free you of any effect of Shakti Pad. It is an absolute prayer—Ardas Bhayee—“the prayer has been made.” Sachee Sahee”—“Sahee,” the seal. He said we should make it a part of our sadhana to feel these effects.
He said to live with your head in your hands before your Guru, then all
that is left is heart, the impulse of the universe. Live in your heart.
That a "Gurmukh" is someone who speaks with the sweetness and remembrance of Gurbani, while a
"Manmukh"—a regular man, is one who speaks from his own mind and
limitations. Living in "Manmat"—Wisdom of the mind—is the lowest state of
consciousness in relationships, like a donkey loaded with books.
The purpose of life is to resist and avoid temptation, for it leads to
duality and life’s miseries.
Siri Singh Sahib said the Ardas Bhayee mantra came to
him after an argument with the Guru, that he is so much slandered, how some people in 3HO survived ten years gracefully only to be lost
at the Guru’s gate to Shakti Pad. He said in anguish that there was nothing
more he could do for us and that it was in the Guru’s hands—and so the
mantra…a hot line to God. Other mantras he compared it to, like the
Dhan Dhan Ram Das Gur shabad, are like dialing the whole deal—the area
code and full phone number. But Ardas Bhayee is automatic and
universal. He said there are many kinds of cars suited to all kinds of
people but the tow truck can tow all of them. Ardas Bhayee is that tow
truck, universally applicable and sure-fire. Guru Amardas, who is
referred to in Ardas Bhayee, is the honor of the honorless,
power of the powerless, shelter of the shelterless, one who covers all
weaknesses and hopelessness. "Ram Das Guru", who is mentioned three times, covers us with his blessings past, present and future.
Yogiji also said in his lecture that
all pain is due to ego. I was able to talk with him briefly
following class. At first I could not speak. I accepted his hand in
greeting and found comfort under his arm until I could say…that Adam
claims I am not his wife and he is not my husband, that the marriage
has become a joke. That he is bothered by the fact the Siri Singh Sahib
told me to serve him, and was sarcastic to me because I was not acting
on my own initiative.
The Siri Singh Sahib said to me, “Adam loves you very deeply and very, very much. When you married it was that way.”
I replied, “It feels like just the opposite now.”
He said, “Adam must be angry. It is your fault for speaking to him obnoxiously. His love has dried up.”
Siri Singh Sahib asked Black Krishna to call Adam and
tell him not to feel that my serving
him was sarcastic and he told Sat Simran Kaur, who heartily agreed, that he
wanted Adam and I to meet with her, together.
I feel so much love for Adam in my soul. It is crazy that our surface turmoil has scratched so deep. Ardas Bhayee….Already I have chanted this mantra for only one to two weeks, yet the results are clear to me--blessed to be in the Panj. Sat Shakati Singh told me it is hard to find people who qualify these days. I never assumed I did. Another sign of the results of chanting this mantra occurred at the beginning of Monday night’s class. When the Siri Singh Sahib walked down the aisle towards his teaching bench, he stopped by me to ask how I am. I said, “Great!” and in our shared gaze gave him all my cherdi kala! Siri Singh Sahib extended his hand and said, a bit impishly! “Happy Baisakhi.”
I realized, it has been a happy Baisakhi…in all the expansion and deepness and love and commitment that implies. It was as much a blessing as if God himself had confirmed it with me…only through His purest channel, the beloved Siri Singh Sahibji…Wahe Guru, Wahe Guru Wahe Guru!
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