I began a series of awakenings to
enter a sublime, unattached state late in 2005 while struggling to rebuild myself and financially survive following a devastatng divorce. A child in my daycare had given me a gift wrapped in gold paisley paper. On opening it, I distinctly felt Baba Siri Chand's presence, bringing me to notice a heart pattern there. "Hmm," I thought, "We have a common love, the personal mantra, 'Ek Ongkar, Satgur Prasad, Satgur Prasad Ek Ongkar!"" Baba Siri Chand gently compelled me to cut the heart shape out and print the mantra in Gurmukhi font on the back along its edges in such a way that the "EK ONGKAR" symbol representing "One Creator," was naturally situated at both the top center of the heart and its low point. I duly placed this golden paper heart on the lap of Baba Siri Chand's lifelike statue at the Mother Ashram.
Our heart marked the beginning of a loving ethereal relationship with this great yogi. It was as though he pulled me from a deep well of sorrow into sublime bliss. On request, Baba Siri Chand visited on cold winter nights and warmed me and arranged my affairs, entering a numerologically cosmic balance to my checkbook. He was like a dear uncle, a father to me, ending my worries about money and basic security. When I thanked him for imbuing me with sweet bliss he responded, "Although you enjoy my presence, you will find the Gurus to be much more blissful."
Early the following year I noticed problems with my finances and hard to warm bedding once again. It felt like Baba Siri Chand was gone, absorbed into the ethers. In tears I implored his statue's loving caretaker to tell me what is going on. His reply, "Baba Siri Chand is just doing his fatherly duty."
I understood the meaning of his words when in early 2006, weeks after Baba Siri Chand abandoned me, the Gurus made their presence felt in my solitary life. On a quiet evening, sensing all ten Gurus' blessed presence, one spoke into my consciousness, saying, "Dear one, you are of the Gurus' lineage."
I quickly replied, "That is not possible--there can be no Gurus after Guru Gobind Singh."
Their response, "Yes, dear one, you lived during the time of the Gurus." We shared a brief pause as they allowed their words to sink in before asking, "Which Guru was your husband?"
I didn't think, I knew--"Guru Arjan Devji."
Guru Arjan, whom I have come to know as my dearest beloved,
made several visits to me as my husband during that time.
I wrote in my
journal of the subtlety of one encounter, "This evening when Guru Arjan came to me I first felt his
presence by sensing his fingers dabbling my hair. I thought it was only
the flickering of a candle, but it was my Beloved, caressing me. We
became one being in divine love once again, Guru Arjan’s deep assurance
that he is ever with me."
Our marriage was a huge revelation for me to truly absorb coming out of four disillusioning experiences with men. I swooned in the huge energy of our love with awe for months afterwards, until Guru Arjan told me I needed to come out of it, saying, "We have a lot of work to do."
I have accepted and integrated an ongoing series of profound awakenings through
love and laughter with the Gurus, who have great senses of humor, through deep meditation and writing in my journal, through "breathing Guru," using the mantra Guru Arjan gave me to merge with him-- "I am you, you are me," to weave each of the ten Gurus into my life, into the deepest fabric of my being. The Gurus come to me in meditation, upon asking questions of deep spiritual relevance, to bless me with the awakenings they choose and feel I am ready for. It feels natural, like having a conversation with my conscience, and surprising, as in spontaneous revelations from dear friends.
in December of 2007, two weeks before Guru Nanak's birthday, the Mother Ashram sangat offered evening kirtan in folks homes to sing and chant Mool Mantra from Japji, Guru Nanak's morning prayer. The awakenings I experienced as a result of these gatherings were born from tears of separation, Guru Nanak seeming ever distant from me.
One night, following an evening kirtan, as I lay in bed preparing for sleep, sweetly calling on each Guru to imbue me with their fragrance, I asked Guru Nanak why he always felt so far away. Guru Nanak did not answer with words, rather he gave me to experience bathing, dressing and feeding him as a baby, playing innocently, with great love. As his sister I painfully endured long separations from Guru Nanak during his many travels far from home.
A few days later while one-pointedly calling on the Adi Shakti, the primal female power, in Sat Kriya, striving to touch upon pure Truth, Guru Gobind Singh entered my meditation to say, "You have the same sublime reach as you did on a mountain top, reaching to the Divine, where multitudes meditated on God through you." His words deeply augmented my sense of subtle attunement. Ten minutes into Sat Kriya, calling upon each of the ten Gurus in turn, on coming to Guru Gobind Singh I asked him, "If women have such a sublime meditative reach, then why were the Five Beloved Ones all men?"
Guru Gobind's simple reply struck at my core, "You were Mata Sahib Devan."
I am still processing the full repercussions of this revelation. To my deepen understanding I joined Khalsa Council on a yatra to Hazur Sahib in the Fall of 2008 to be imbued with the energy of Guru Gobind Singh in his final homeland. Towards the end of our trip the yatrees took a bus tour of historic Gurdwaras in the surrounding countryside, including Mata Sahib Devan Gurdwara, where in the small cottage that Guru Gobind Singh used to sleep and take his meals I bowed and prayed to Guru Gobind Singh for a sign, saying, "Being here gives us the best opportunity for you to show me how I am like Mata Sahib Devan. Help me accept her essence deep within my soul."
Exiting the cottage I followed a forested path along the river that opened onto a spacious farmyard where I saw a white turkey, "I have a white turkey!" and ducks and geese--"I have ducks and geese!" and an enclosure of rabbits, "I dearly love rabbits, too!" There was a long, L-shaped stable of horses, some cattle and a shed where goats were being herded for shelter, which I likened to my Baby Doll lamb. Nihung Singhs bathed and washed clothing in long deep troughs, their wives and families enjoyed the compound's ambiance and services. Women clustered around me with love and curiosity, one of whom became my tour guide and offered me her sandles so I would not hurt my bare feet on rocky ground. It was a peaceful sancturay wherein I felt to be home. "I have a sanctuary too, for livestock needing proper shelter, children needing cozy daycare and families that visit and live with me during rough times to get their bearings...." The realizations were natural and sublime, Guru Gobind Singh walking with me hand in hand in the gentle air.
The awakenings continued. Early in 2008, Rishi Dusht Damon, the
Demon Slayer--who had been Guru Gobind Singh in a previous life, came
to me during Ardas at a sadhana Gurdwara. I was wondering why Ardas
calls upon all Gurus except for Guru Gobind Rai, who was transformed into
Guru Gobind Singh by the Panj Piaray. At that moment, Rishi Dusht
Daman gave me to see the matrix he wove around the
planet while meditating in the high Himalyan Mountains at Hemkunt
Sahib, only the matrix was woven around my heart. Rishi Dusht Daman
gave me to see how this same Divine Matrix is woven around all of our
hearts, and how, when we awaken to God on earth, a light blossoms on the matrix where it intersects with us, until all intersecting
points across the globe shine with Divine Light, the peaceful brillance
of the Aquarian Age.
The awakenings are ongoing, triggered
by my reaching for purest truth or giving longing implorations to the Gurus,
who then enlighten me to vastly expanded realms of awareness, dissolving
my consciousness into ever more subtle, subtle, subtle realms of being, of pure love.
With every new challenge, like today, March 19th, 2009--the threat of a lien on my car by the
State of New Mexico, I am forced to reassert acceptance of God's Will,
relax in pure trust of God's process and deal in Guru's Grace, which blesses all my affairs. Every day is another blessed opportunity for me to invite the Gurus
into my soul and to deeply know and grow in my understanding of what
that means, remain neutral, and come through pure.
Yogiji once said that I was someone who
needed to be married. Having garnered a lifetime of rich experiences
and spiritual revelations through life's turmoil, his intentions are now
crystal clear. There is no barrier of turmoil too high to surmount with perfect
grace.
Know that we are all made of the same fiber, we all breathe the same divine Breath of Life, we are all in the process of entering the new millennium at the same time, the awakenings of one being universal to all. Break through worldly insanity with love of Truth. Do not give in to darkness. Consciously direct the huge power of turmoil to create peace and bliss and dwell in the beauty of your soul by maintaining divine awareness with every sacred Breath of Life.
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