Two weeks after completing my journey
to New Mexico, the community celebrated Yogi Bhajan's birthday at Hacienda de
Guru Ram Das. I sat with a woman I had visited with that day and given yogic
advice. As a guest of the Siri Singh Sahib, she was staying in a cabin at the
Ranch I had been assigned to clean. We enjoyed each other's company.
Out of curiosity, I turned to look at a
man sitting on the other side of me. Our eyes met, and I fell deeply into his
gaze in love. That moment I made a prayer straight to God, "Forever or nothing!"
There were clear signs that the
relationship was not "nothing." Rooh, a profoundly gorgeous, charismatic Sikh,
was a widower. That evening, after talking about our children and our newness to
the Mother Ashram community he lovingly placed a bit of Yogiji's birthday cake
into my mouth, like wedding cake, and we walked around the Ashram block through
a misty rain, not minding getting wet. I was in bliss!
Rooh came to visit me almost daily after
work and on weekends for fun exploratory ventures into the surrounding
community. On our first hike into the hills we gazed down into the Espanola
Valley. What I saw startled me--a green valley, the emerald island of my vision, teeming with
life and beauty.
While I was car-less I found rides to
the Ashram and shopping trips with the family I was living with while helping
with daycare. Sometimes getting around was difficult, but an out-of-towner, a
self-proclaimed psychic, seemed eager to help.
He had observed me with Rooh and knew I
was in love, yet warned while driving me one day, "If you marry Rooh he will be
just like the others--angry and abusive. It won't last."
I disagreed and
defended Rooh and his personality. The psychic cut through saying, "In a
past life in old West you were both men, good friends among a group of five men
that met to bet and play cards. One night you won all the money. Rooh claimed
you cheated and never spoke to you again."
I tuned-in to the scenario as he spoke
and deeply understood. Rooh liked my company and occasionally we became intimate. But
Rooh felt our friendship was for mutual enjoyment and said he did not want to
marry me.
Days later Rooh and I went out to eat;
he expected me to pay the bill. I looked--my wallet was empty except for small
change and a fake million dollar bill used to "pay" for snacks at gas stops on
my road trip to New Mexico, to lighten people's day. What a simple way to
diffuse the money issue! When I placed the bill in Rooh's hand, he lit up and
smiled.
On the issue of his harshly breaking
off the relationship and refusing to see me in a past life I told myself Rooh
Singh needed to learn about commitment. If we were once dear friends, we could be
so again. In a letter to my elder sister I compared the pleasure of our
companionship to the comfort of an old shoe.
Rooh and I attended Yogiji Bhajan's
classes together. One night Rooh Singh missed class, so I brought my notes over
to read to him. He was impressed by Yogiji's profound impact through the notes,
and exclaimed how people in other countries and distant states would deeply
appreciate such immediate access to Yogi Bhajan's teachings.
My notes eventually formed the basis of email synopses of Yogiji's classes,
beautifully formatted and accessible, spreading Yogi Bhajan's teachings around
the world.
I never spoke to Yogiji of my new love.
Rooh Singh had come to America on Yogiji's request to look into another woman
as a marriage partner. But one evening after class Yogiji called out over the
heads of all the people on the Lungar Hall veranda, "So, you are getting
married!"
I replied, stunned, "No sir, you engaged him to someone else!"
But
Yogiji explained, almost painfully, "Everything in the cosmos has changed."
Bibiji, Yogi Bhajan's wife, was standing near me. I asked her what I should do. She
strongly suggested I call Yogiji's secretary the next day and arrange an
appointment.
I made calls all morning and was unable
to get through to a single secretary. Finally one called me back, "Yogiji has
already met with Rooh. He's sending him back to his own country."
Rooh was to tie up loose ends and
settle a relationship he would be leaving behind.
We remained in email contact with
letters of friendship and support. I wrote first, wondered how he was doing.
Dear
Rooh Singh,
Sat
Nam dear friend. I am wondering how things are going for you. If you have moved
in and are teaching yoga and whether your love has agreed to marry. Not hearing
from you, I do not know. I very much want you to find your happiness.
I
am now working half days at Akal Security, as well as teaching in the home
daycare. It leaves only evenings free, so I have not had much opportunity to
develop an alternative daycare or work on my Golden Temple book.
I'll
be moving by the end of the month to a nice home near the Gurdwara. The people
there are very Y2K conscious, so we will be prepared for any eventuality. It
feels cozy and secure.
I
am in the process of buying a car, waiting to see if my bank will give me a
loan if my sister co-signs, or what is most practical. I am getting advice from
all directions. Whatever it is, I do not want it to be a burden. But I will
need something once I move to drive to my daycare job.
I
am happy with my situation even with all the changes. It is beautiful in this
community. It is a strong and cozy sangat.
Loving
thoughts and wishes,
Guruprem
Kaur
Rooh Singh replied soon after:
Dear
Guru Prem Kaur, Sat Nam.
Today
was the first snow. I toke a walk in the city. Bologna is an old city, very
European style: that means with different ages buildings and roads. The 18th
century prevails. It is full of young people, because the oldest Italian
university. I do not feel to be at home, but it is nice.
I'm
trying to understand my relationship with my friend, we both love each other,
but sometime we are very differently oriented. So, I am trying to understand
what love is, how love acts, how love give, how love receive. I have so many
patterns in my mind! Sometimes we touch the reality and it is beautiful.
I
would like to say thank you for all your messages that give me very good soul
food. And I would like to say that you are beautiful, and to send my prayers.
May
the light and the warmth of the human experience fulfill your heart.
Your
brother in divine,
Rooh
Singh
My response,
Dear
Rooh Singh,
Sat
Nam dear friend. I am so happy to hear that you and your friend have touched
the soul of love. If you focus on that beauty, all goodness will come.
We
may have snow tomorrow. Yet all my warm coats are at my other house. I am half
way moved in and spent the night there last night eating pizza and watching
videos with my friend. She and her husband are so enjoyable to be with and my
room in their home is very sweet. I know I will be happy there.
It
is so nice to imagine you walking the old streets of Bologne. The older towns
of Italy are rich with the history of people who have lived and loved there.
Memories are in the walls. It has been home to so many. It can be for you, too.
You are not like a tourist. You can be home everywhere you go. Everywhere Guru
is.
I
think of you often. The thought of your presence gives me a reminder of
innermost grace.
You
are a special man, with gifts of presence to give many people.
All
love to you and your loved ones,
Guruprem
Kaur
Finally Rooh Singh wrote that his trip
had been a complete failure. He was in a lot of pain and emptiness, saying,
"It is so strange that we were not able to make a real living
experience out of love." And, "Do you know that love is not forever? As the
others emotions are a state of mind. I need to find a stable point inside me
where not the good, not the bad, will affect me so strongly." He added, "P.S.:
I hope that my English is not so ugly."
My dear friend hoped to find a little
peace by coming to Espanola. I wrote,
"Sat Nam and loving thoughts.
As you trust in Divine Will, it is taking care of your needs.
Maybe not all your wants--but in not wanting, not being attached to outcomes,
you enter the state you spoke of, where bad and good do not affect you so
strongly.
It is how I love you and yet feel no loss for you to love others.
I have a great desire that over rides all desires and emotions, and that is to
love and trust in the Guru.
If two people meet in Guru's love, it is more than love. It is the
universe in ecstasy. And that is forever, and exists always.
Your English writing lets me enjoy the memory of hearing you
speak. Please do not worry about it. You are beautiful like God. Self not
liking the self is the only ugliness.
I will look for a room for you, as you asked. I will soon have the
same problem! I love where I am living, but must move when this family's
children return from school in India. And then there will be a housing
shortage.
Guru will take care of us with happiness and grace.
Love always, Rooh Singh, for when we love, heavens bow, and God's
Loving Will prevails.
Love and Blessings,
Guruprem Kaur
Rooh Singh wrote back with one line
that gave me great happiness, "Thank you
for your words, it fill my heart."
When Rooh Singh returned to Espanola,
he asked one morning as we walked to our homes after sadhana, "Do you still
want to do the project we talked about?"
I said, "Yes! When would you like to
start?"
We began working on it as friends and sent out the
first two classes of 2000 to the
3HO mailing list based on my notes alone.